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The Victim

August 9, 2015


I recently had a pretty scary experience.

I was experiencing pain in my body, an achiness that did not come from overexertion or stress to that area. I started investigation and discovered a mass. I don’t have health insurance so I began searching for a clinic I could go to so I could get checked out. Every place I called told me that, based on the symptoms I was describing, that I needed to be seen ASAP. Yet they all either had no available appointments or their available appointments were months away. I even had a doctor from one of the clinics call me and apologize for not being able to get me in but stressed that I definitely needed to be seen quickly.

After several days I did get an appointment – a month away. The woman who scheduled it told me to keep trying to get in earlier because my symptoms indicated that I should not wait. The next morning my husband told me to find a doctor and we would just pay out of pocket. He would move some of our expenses around. We really couldn’t afford it, but we had faith.

I got into a clinic and saw the doctor a day or so later – it was a Thursday. I will never forget her solemn face, even her eyes looked serious, as she said, and “This doesn’t look good. I would be very concerned.” She had found a mass, an uneven mass along with visibly swollen lymph nodes near the area. She sent me for diagnostic testing, telling me that I needed to do it as soon as possible.

The following day, Friday, I called and got an appointment for Monday afternoon. The woman I spoke to agreed that I needed to be seen ASAP because of my symptoms. This left me to wait the entire weekend not knowing anything.

I had been praying since the moment I discovered the mass. I prayed for God to take it away. I prayed for Him to help me, strengthen me. For a few hours I even gave in to fear.

But fear is a choice and I choose to trust God.

Sadness, fear, anxiety, those things are easy – they are only surrender. It is also easy for them to creep up on you and take hold. But God did not give us a spirit of fear. Therefore it is not natural to us. Fear is not a part of God’s plan for us. We can choose to fear or we can choose to trust God. We always have a choice.

That Sunday as I sat in church I began hurting. I couldn’t sit still. It almost drove me out of the sanctuary. But I said, “NO. I won’t leave. I am going to stay right here.” And I sat, fidgeting in pain.

At altar call I began to pray for healing, tears streaming down my face, but then something came over me. I got just plain mad. I realized I don’t have to just sit and take this while waiting to be rescued. I have been baptized in the NAME of Jesus which means I have been baptized into His authority. I have all of His power and authority.

I began speaking to the infirmity, cursing it, rebuking it. I told it that my body isn’t even mine, it is a temple for God’s spirit. I reminded it that I have been baptized in the NAME of Jesus so I come in His authority. I have the power and this mess in my body does not. I told it that it had to leave in the name of Jesus.

I felt a warmth over the area of the pain and where the mass was, like a heating pad covered me. Then the pain went away and did not come back.

The following day the technician had to ask me to show her where the mass was because it was so small she couldn’t find it. The tests showed NO swelling in my lymph nodes and the mass that had been uneven and lumpy was now perfectly smooth and much smaller.

When the doctor came in to tell me that I was find and the “lump” was nothing to concern me, I told him of the swelling. He looked confused, stumbled over his words a bit as he said, “I don’t know what to tell you, but there is no swelling or inflammation at all now.”

I walked out of there so relieved and happy.

But there was still a tiny lump, a cyst they said. It was no longer grape sized, more like pebble sized. It was still there – but it was no longer a concern. Praise God!

The next day I was getting dressed and it hit me, pray against what is left in your body. So I began warring again. I told the enemy that I was not even giving him a toehold on me, that he had to leave completely and immediately.

By the end of the day even I couldn’t’ find the lump.

As I prayed this morning, Jesus opened understanding for me in all of this. See, over the last year or so I have been pretty beat up by people and events. I have been really, really hurt by people I trusted.

I forgave them and began working to restore the relationships. I went on as if nothing had happened. But there was still a vestige of the hurt that was left behind, much like this “pebble” inside me now.. It was still very easy for me to say, “They hurt me” and I could still feel a spark or remnant of that forgotten pain.

Like that mass in my body, I had gotten rid of the really dangerous part – or what I believed to be the dangerous part. However, what was left was what was really dangerous – the little toehold that the enemy had on me reminding me that the hurt is still there, the tiny lump is still there. And I knew I was not completely healed – physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

I still had a victim mentality even after the good news I had received, even after restoring the relationships. I was still a victim because I still felt the tiny lump, still felt the memory of the hurt those people caused.

God did not create us to be victims and He has given us the tools to free ourselves from the bondage of victimhood. Even though I had forgiven and moved on – or so I thought – still being able to say, “They hurt me” was leaving a door open for the enemy to slip in. I had to close that door and curse those memories, those thoughts, that old pain. I had to get rid of that emotional pebble that was creating a spiritual pebble.

It’s all or nothing with God. We are either all in or all out. I claimed to be all in, but how could I be when I was still clinging to those memories and that pain. And just how much had I really forgiven those people if I still remembered, was still able to say, They hurt me?

I had to let it go, fully, completely, and without reservation; exactly as I am supposed to be living for God.

Are you still clinging to old hurts? Does the enemy have a toehold on your life? Do you need to break the bonds of victimhood? Maybe it is time to go to war!

  1. Stephanie, you never cease to amaze me! I love you and am so glad your path has crossed mine. Your words come at a time that I can easily apply your example to my own life, along with old hurts, and some new ones. You’re so right. Thank you my friend. Your strength and conviction inspire us all.

    • Thank you so much. You are an inspiration to me! There are times when I have felt unsure and you have given me such encouragement – although I doubt you even realize it at times.
      God bless you my friend.

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